Alex B Cann column: Ice cream over robots

Tameside Radio presenter Alex B Cann's latest unique take on life is well worth a read - including situations where he doesn't think artificial intelligence can ever faithfully replicate the human experience...

I’ve just enjoyed a little taste of summer before writing this week’s words, courtesy of our friendly local ice cream van. You can’t beat a knickerbocker glory with caramel sauce! 

Those familiar chimes take me back to being a kid, and still at the age of 44, hearing their shrill tones on our street is the only time I ever feel compelled to go for a run. 

In another quaint twist, they only accept cash payments, and on one occasion when we realised we had no coins a minute too late, they just accepted payment the next time they came round! That’s a level of trust which is missing from most parts of the world these days. You see very few car park honesty boxes nowadays too.

The world is changing rapidly, and I sometimes wonder what it will look like for our kids in a few decades’ time.

When I was a lad, all the talk on Tomorrow’s World was that robots would be doing most tasks for us by now. Whilst you could argue it’s not happened yet, we do have smart speakers with an answer to most questions we throw at them, increasing amounts of automation in factories, and driverless vehicles fast becoming a reality.

Should we worry about a future in which artificial intelligence takes control of our lives? I do quite like the idea of being driven into Tameside Radio first thing, whilst reading a book, catching up on my emails and writing my latest article for the paper, to be honest! But how safe is our data with the internet giants? We have smartphones that seemingly listen to our every word; if you mention something random like table tennis or James Corden printed Y-fronts, you’ll start getting targeted ads for them within minutes. 

I was particularly upset when Facebook recently showed me a sponsored ad inviting me to design and pre-order my own coffin! Our smart speakers sit quietly and unobtrusively in the corner of the living room, only lighting up occasionally to notify us that an order is being delivered later, but like our smartphones, they are always listening.

I watched a compelling interview on the iPlayer earlier, where Amol Rajan quizzed the CEO of Google, Sundar Pichai about the next 25 years for their company. 

When I think back to how slow the dial-up internet was in 1995 when I started university in Liverpool, it’s incredible how far technology has come in a quarter of a century. 

Pichai suggested that robots might act as an assistant during medical examinations in the future, and play a greater role in the workplace too. I can’t help worrying this might not be good news on the jobs front. Of course, many manual processes have already been automated, so this isn’t a new concern. I work in radio, and it’s certainly affected jobs in our sector too.

Aside from a visit to the ice cream van, here are five situations where I don’t think artificial intelligence can ever faithfully replicate the human experience:

1) A pint of real ale down the local boozer and good gossip with your mate.

2) Live gigs (although Daft Punk were robots I guess, until they retired recently).

3) Wedding DJs. Whilst they can be irksome, a Spotify playlist is just not the same as someone shouting taxi announcements or letting you know the buffet is open over Come On Eileen and the Grease Megamix.

4) Football matches. Although some accused England of boring play in the early matches of the Euros, I can’t imagine robots would be any more exciting. Plus we’ve seen what VAR has done to the game already.

5) Cats. Although care homes do use robotic cats for residents to pet, and that guaranteed George Galloway wouldn’t turn up wanting to be the cat, I don’t think robotic moggies would work for the rest of us. Although a little tip from the Cats Protection - get purr-mission from the feline before stroking them. Apparently, you need to look for a little nod. If you think I’m making this up for comedy value, I promise you I’m not!

I am pretty old skool as I still buy CDs, watch films on DVD and I rarely buy stuff online. I am also that annoying person in front of you in the supermarket who likes a little natter at the checkout so I don’t think robots are going to take over my world just yet.

You can listen to Alex every weekday from 7am to 11am and on the 'Super Scoreboard' show on Saturdays from 3pm to 7pm, on Tameside Radio 103.6FM. 

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